caught up in tomorrows

My mom was the seminary teacher for 9 years and during a period of time there was this one boy that always used the word "fail". So it became the "F-word" and my mom said we weren't allowed to say it anymore. That has stuck with me for all these years.

More and more over the past few weeks I find all I want to do is lay there... and think. It could be about anything or nothing but for some reason it has become one of my favorite past-times (slothful, isn't it?). Sometimes though in my thinking the "F-word" will come up and then my mind seems to automatically create a list of all the things I am not doing right or that I should be better at. My entertaining daydreams become a daunting reality that I am not living up to my expectations. It's funny when you are little and think about the future and all the things you are going to do and be and then the future comes and you aren't doing those things and you aren't being that person - so you dream about the future of tomorrow and the next day or week or month envisioning life then. Preparing for school to begin this semester I created a schedule - "My Life" I called it - for each day of the week, but it really didn't even last for one day. Thankfully, my unbelievably amazing and understanding husband helps break the daze and brings me back to the now, so I can keep trying for that realistic tomorrow.

I've always loved rearranging things and organizing the already organized boxes and shelves. When I was younger I would periodically go insane with the way the furniture was arranged in my room so would change everything around just to get bored with it again a few months later. I guess that has carried over into my home. Last night David mention the idea of moving again at the end of the year due to the recent increase in rent and the not-so-very-far-away decrease in income with the Baby coming. We both LOVE the place we are in now and I am so unbelievably thankful we found this place so quickly. However, when I woke up this morning I was excited to start looking at new places - I guess that is a part of dreaming of my tomorrows.

Baby is moving a lot these days and I am getting more and more anxious for her to come so I can play with her and love her and even more so, see David play with her and love her. Sometimes it seems so unreal.