Dear Diary

I don't really keep a journal (even though I know how much I should), I don't have many friends, and I hate talking on the phone; but today I need to relieve myself.

My energy level has been near empty all day and my stretching belly is making it painful to stand upright, but in desperate hopes to pass the time I played with Morgan in her room while sorting baby's clothes and reorganizing where things go. At last the time came to feed Morgan lunch and put her down for yet another attempt at a nap (she wouldn't go down for her first).

My anxiety level is through the roof as the idea of the unknown fills my body with such immense fear. I feel as though my most passionate dreams are at risk on a sinking boat with the shoreline just out of reach. Oh how much I wish I could do better - have more courage to save them. My desperate attempts to salvage what remains seems almost in vain as I ultimately have no control. In just a few short months I bring another one of Heavenly Father's children into this world and am petrified that our home does even compare to the majestic place he is coming from. At church yesterday we were reading from 2 Nephi 28 and the last verse the Lord says "I will be merciful unto them... if they will repent, and come unto me; for mine arm is lengthened out all the day long". I pictured Him standing there with His arms opened, waiting; just waiting for us to go to Him and fully embrace. I think of all the times I have longed for a hug but am turned down for a computer, toy, or just lack of presence; my heart melts to think that He keeps His arms fully open, never giving up. Why can I not be like that? Why can I not trust that all will work out and the promises I have been given will be met? Why can I not have that hope and endless love that strengthens my arms to keep them lengthened all the day long?

I can't give up. Life seems so hard and too often I find myself thinking, why us? why me? I was reading today in D&C 58 where the Lord says "For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven. Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand." Hardly ever do I feel strong enough to handle this burden, but I know he is worth fighting for, they are worth fighting for. I won't give up.

eternally fighting,

carrie

Our Girly Girl

Playing with the Beauty Salon we got from freecycle

Holding my phone, she is putting her keys (a gift from Aunt Rachel) into her purse

Chasing after me because I had the camera

Play at the Park

Morgan and I dropped the car off at school for David and then walked to the park. It was kind of a chilly day, more than it has been lately, but that didn't keep Morgan from enjoying herself. There was even this little boy, probably about 4-years old, that quickly came to Morgan's side to show her around. She enjoyed having someone to play with as he pushed her on the swing and ran around the open field with her. It was really nice when David joined us after creaming his Family History exam :)

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

Yesterday Morgan and I were playing in my room and I took the mirror off the wall and put it on the floor for her to see herself. She had quite the time playing with her "twin". And side note, she insisted on wearing those boots all day.

I have a longer video of her doing more stuff but it was taking FOREVER to upload so I gave up on it.

Hypnobirthing Birth

As I prepare for the future arrival of our new baby I realized I need to start preparing for the labor and delivery that will naturally precede it. I have been talking with a friend, who's baby is due a couple of months before mine and is terrified, about the class I took in preparation for Morgan's birth and I thought I should share my feelings with others as well.

Just months before Morgan was born I enrolled in a Hypnobirthing class, graciously paid for by my sister who believes very firmly in it, and recognize it as one of the most effective classes to prepare for labor. David and I went once a week for several weeks and the information we learned was invaluable as I was able to use the knowledge I learned there to ease my nerves regarding childbirth. So often you hear people tell you how unbearably painful labor is, but how can that be when before epidural or other modern drugs became available women bearably bore multiple children? Hynobirthing opened our eyes to just that.

At the beginning of the course we learned the just how exactly the female body responds to labor - what is going on in there. It was such an eye-opener when we discovered the powerful influence relaxation could have during the responses. Everything made sense. Your body is stressed. What do you do when you are in stress? Relax. But no, it is not that easy if you are not prepared. This class taught me how to relax (yes, it takes practice - teach it to your kids!) so that during the periods when my body was in stress during labor I could ease the tension and pressure. There really is no need to be scared when approaching childbirth. It is what our bodies are made to do. It can be the most beautiful, spiritual experience of your life. Don't let yourself be so scared of the "pain" that you miss the opportunity to enjoy the birth of your baby and the start of your new life. This Hypnobirthing class helped me do just that.

in need of a hobby

As my final class... ever... came to a close I didn't really think much would change once I was "free". During my last year as a student my classes were really spread out to accommodate Morgan so I didn't think graduating would really be much different. I was wrong. Now I have so much time and I feel like I don't make good use of it. Some might disagree because Morgan and I play and I keep my house clean, for the most part, but at the end of the day I have nothing to show for my time. Being a mom and housewife has always been my true passion in life and now that I can do it full-time I don't think I'm doing a very good job. Dinner is sad. Crafts are undone. The cold keeps us indoors. When David and I were dating and I had to go to work David would always ask what he was supposed to do while I was gone; I'd tell him "Get a Hobby!" I'm afraid I haven't taken my own advice. With this time I've only recognized my shortcomings as a mom and as a wife.

On a more upbeat note, Morgan is a smarty pants! She knows where her nose, ears, and teeth are and tries to "honk" when she squeezes either her nose or ours. If you ask her where the baby is she will point to herself more often than not. I hope we don't have problems when the new baby comes. She is saying more and more words: baby, teeth, ear, bath (which is actually more of a "ba"), duck, and of course the usually mom, daddy, hi, and bye. She loves peanut butter and the moment she sees me pull it out she gets very excited - must be my daughter! She is now tall enough to see out the window in the living room and open the microwave, which she really only cares about when we're warming up her milk. She has mastered the stairs and with that came mastering how to get on and off the couch and bed. If you tell her she has a stinky diaper she will go get the wipes and a diaper for you to change it (hopefully that is an indication of early potty training?). She already flushes the toilet. She understands what most things are and if you ask where it is she is find it for you - a certain toy, book, keys, phone, blanket, water, etc. We are so blessed to have such a remarkable daughter.

Christmas Day