Dear Diary

I don't really keep a journal (even though I know how much I should), I don't have many friends, and I hate talking on the phone; but today I need to relieve myself.

My energy level has been near empty all day and my stretching belly is making it painful to stand upright, but in desperate hopes to pass the time I played with Morgan in her room while sorting baby's clothes and reorganizing where things go. At last the time came to feed Morgan lunch and put her down for yet another attempt at a nap (she wouldn't go down for her first).

My anxiety level is through the roof as the idea of the unknown fills my body with such immense fear. I feel as though my most passionate dreams are at risk on a sinking boat with the shoreline just out of reach. Oh how much I wish I could do better - have more courage to save them. My desperate attempts to salvage what remains seems almost in vain as I ultimately have no control. In just a few short months I bring another one of Heavenly Father's children into this world and am petrified that our home does even compare to the majestic place he is coming from. At church yesterday we were reading from 2 Nephi 28 and the last verse the Lord says "I will be merciful unto them... if they will repent, and come unto me; for mine arm is lengthened out all the day long". I pictured Him standing there with His arms opened, waiting; just waiting for us to go to Him and fully embrace. I think of all the times I have longed for a hug but am turned down for a computer, toy, or just lack of presence; my heart melts to think that He keeps His arms fully open, never giving up. Why can I not be like that? Why can I not trust that all will work out and the promises I have been given will be met? Why can I not have that hope and endless love that strengthens my arms to keep them lengthened all the day long?

I can't give up. Life seems so hard and too often I find myself thinking, why us? why me? I was reading today in D&C 58 where the Lord says "For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven. Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand." Hardly ever do I feel strong enough to handle this burden, but I know he is worth fighting for, they are worth fighting for. I won't give up.

eternally fighting,

carrie